Some relief.

I've been in a battle for the past semester at my school, and I need to get this off my chest.

I started praying again: I mean really truly genuine praying. For a long time I feared that my prayer life was empty, that I was speaking to God but there was no deep feeling or meaning behind the words I was speaking. I felt like there was no love coming from my part. After a few weeks of realizing this, I fixed the problem. I repented of everything I needed repenting of and then I went on with my life.

I feel like God isn't answering my prayers. I can't really say that last sentence because reall deep deep down I KNOW that He is answering them, just maybe not the way I want them to. But still... even in those moments, whether it is answered the way I want or not, I always can SEE it being answered in some way. But not lately.... Here's an example.

This past spring break week, I served in Panama City Beach for Beach Reach. I did it the last year and just loved it so much, God taught me so much that week. I was so excited about going this year. As soon as we got down there, so many bad things happened. One of the girls had dropped a kidney stone, so she was sick the entire week. One of the other girls was getting on everyone's last nerves because she was always saying something rude to everyone. In the midst of all this, complaining began. I've had my share of complaints this year, but to be honest, I'm not much of a complainer. So as I was surrounded by all this mess this past week, this complaining, negativity, even gossip in some areas.. I prayed so hard and rebuked it all. I told myself I was not going to let any of it hinder my reasons for coming. I got on my knees and prayed more than I had ever prayed in one week. I prayed for strength, peace, anything I could that would deliver me from the evil spirits that were going on in the girl's cabin. I prayed that we would all grow close and not apart, that we would speak life into us and not death, that we would be positive and not negative.

And guess what. Nothing got better. It got worse and worse until we finally came back home. It was probably the hardest week I have gone through, spritually at least. I felt like I was being brought down so bad. I prayed for strength from God and I ended up giving into everything and joining in on the complaining and negativity, even though I rebuked it as I did it. I did everything I could think of. I memorized verses against it, I talked to the girls and told them that their complaining is not only hard on me but for everyone else. Nothing changed.

It's so frustrating to me. It's been like this ALL year.... this feeling of praying my heart out for something and not seeing anything change. I've been struggling so much with it. Finally on the last night of my trip, in the prayer room, I broke down and cried. I didn't just cry but I just could feel my heart breaking. I was disspointed in myself and my relationship with God.

Nevertheless, my faith in Him just grows more and more every day. I've been hurting lately, yes, but I am learning to lean on Him each day. He's gotten me through so many bad times in my life, I know this time won't be much different. Every moment I feel like I am being let down, I believe He is going to bring me up just that much more. Afterall, that's what faith is, isn't it? Believing when you see Him at work, and at the times when you don't.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1 (niv)